What is a Difficult Conversation?

A "difficult conversation" is a high-emotion discussion between two people that deals with sensitive or uncomfortable subjects. These discussions can involve topics that might lead to disagreements or strong emotions.

In everyday life, difficult conversations could be about anything from addressing personal conflicts with a friend or family member to discussing serious issues like finances or relationship problems.

In the workplace, addressing discrimination, bias, or other sensitive topics in the workplace, can be challenging for anyone to navigate and facilitate effectively.

What Constitutes a Difficult Conversation in the Workplace?

Each person’s perspective will define whether a particular discussion is difficult or not. They require careful communication and empathy to navigate successfully.

A difficult conversation is defined by 3 key elements:

High stakes: This involves the risk of losing something significant, such as your job or promotion.
Differing opinions: This occurs when conflicting perspectives exist between you and the other party regarding the topic under consideration.
Intense emotions: Strong emotions, such as anger, may surface when the involved parties take offense at the subject being discussed.

While such conversations can be uncomfortable, certain situations require for them to happen. Rather than avoiding them, it is crucial to acquire the skills to handle them with respect for all parties involved.

5 Common Scenarios that Necessitate Challenging Discussions with Employees

Negative performance review: Addressing underperformance and setting expectations for improvement.
Termination of employment: Informing employees about their layoff or position elimination.
Workload management concerns: Declining satisfaction due to productivity issues.
Workplace conflict: Resolving disputes between coworkers and addressing employee behavioral issues.
Compensation: Negotiating salary increases or addressing pay discrepancies.

The Impact of Avoiding Uncomfortable Situations

Let's consider this scenario: Two team members hold conflicting ideas about the direction of a project.

This scenario can go one of two ways:

They choose to avoid discussing their differing opinions

The unresolved conflict and growing frustration lead to reduced collaboration, decreased team morale, and ultimately the failure of a project, resulting in the loss of a client.

This example demonstrates how avoidance impacts all levels, from individuals and teams to the organization.

How many people prefer to avoid difficult conversations?

A survey of 529 employees has revealed that:

80% evade conversations they know they need to have
50% steer clear of the other person at all costs
37% consider quitting their job!

This is a concerning trend as individuals resort to destructive behaviors to cope. These actions are evidently counterproductive and will negatively affect individual and team performance.

OR

2. They effectively address the situation at hand

By directly addressing their differing opinions, the two team members effectively collaborated to ensure that the project aligned with both of their visions.

This approach not only led to a more innovative project but also provided the following benefits:

Enhanced team productivity by resolving obstacles.
Safeguarded their mental well-being by alleviating stressors.
Strengthened interpersonal relationships with colleagues.
Fostered self-awareness and the development of emotional intelligence.

This example demonstrates that avoiding the issue will only worsen the situation. Initiating the conversation, while challenging, offers numerous advantages for both yourself and your team.

How to Prepare for a Difficult Conversation with an Employee

The key towards having effective conversations about challenging topics is thorough preparation.

Having done your work beforehand, initiating the conversation will not only be less daunting but also more likely to succeed.

7 steps to having a difficult conversation

Here are 7 steps to take before engaging in a difficult conversation:

Step 1. Clarify your goals and desired outcomes

Clearly define what you aim to achieve with this conversation. For instance, is it to address an employee's underperformance and collaboratively devise an improvement plan?

Having well-defined intentions when entering the conversation will help you stay focused and prevent you from getting sidetracked by emotions.

Step 2. Gather relevant information

Back your points with facts whenever possible, as it's more challenging to dispute concrete evidence than to navigate a subjective "he said, she said" scenario.

Especially in the context of performance reviews, relying on documented information about unmet goals and past check-ins is essential to avoid misunderstandings.

Step 3. Choose the appropriate time and place

Out of respect and professionalism, conduct the conversation in person and in a private setting.

Avoid handling it over email or the phone. Allocate sufficient time for the discussion to prevent being rushed and leaving with unresolved issues because one party needs to attend another meeting.

Step 4. Consider the emotional aspects

Prior to the conversation, try to understand the other person's perspective on the issue and anticipate how the discussion might affect them emotionally.

Exploring various viewpoints regarding the problem's development allows you to approach the conversation without judgment.

Step 5. Seek advice from mentors

Chances are, your managers or mentors have encountered similar situations during their careers. As you progress in your professional journey and assume more responsibilities, you're likely to encounter more of these types of conversations.

Don't hesitate to ask for advice on how they handled similar discussions and any insights they wish they had known earlier.

Step 6. Be in the right headspace

Avoid overthinking and stressing about the conversation beforehand. This anxiety can lead to entering the discussion already frustrated and on edge.

Instead, approach it with a positive mindset, viewing it as an opportunity for improvement or the resolution of long-standing issues.

Step 7. Don’t create a script

While it's important to plan your talking points, avoid scripting the entire conversation. Over-preparation can make you come across as disingenuous and impersonal.

Aim for authenticity while engaging with the other party.

A Structured Approach to the Crucial Conversation

Now that you’ve done your preparation, let's delve into structuring the actual conversation:

Share your side

Begin by presenting your facts and story. The Harvard Business School suggests breaking this down into 3 layers:

Talk about what happened: Speak from your perspective while sharing supporting facts and explain how the issue has affected you or the broader team.

Focus on specific problems, using facts and examples, rather than targeting an individual's personality traits. Utilizing "I" statements, such as "I am concerned," maintains a safe environment, preventing the other party from feeling attacked.

Express how you feel about what happened: While it's generally advisable to avoid excessive emotional expression to prevent escalation, it's important to address your feelings in a respectful manner that does not impose blame on the other party.

Emotional transparency from both sides promotes mutual understanding.

Recognize how they may feel: The subject of the conversation might, in some way, threaten the other person's self-image or sense of worth. For example, it could involve questioning their work ethic or behavior.

As such, it is important to note potential implications for them and convey your empathy with a respectful tone.

Ask for their view

Allow the other person to express their feelings and acknowledge their perspective. Encourage them to share their thoughts, and actively listen to understand their point of view.

Ask clarifying questions and verbally summarize what they've communicated to prevent misunderstandings.

Problem-solve collaboratively

Propose alternative solutions. Problem-solving together positions you as a teammate rather than an enemy.

For instance, if you’re laying someone off and can vouch for their work, suggest writing a recommendation for them. This demonstrates your concern for how the situation will affect them and your willingness to provide support.

At the end of the conversation, always conclude the conversation with clear next steps for both parties.

Follow-up

After the conversation, take time to reflect on what went well and what didn't. Following up after the individual has had time to process the discussion is crucial.

This shows your commitment to addressing the conversation seriously and testing out any proposed resolutions from the meeting, if applicable. Ongoing communication can help build trust among team members or colleagues and alleviate any lingering tension.

3 Ways to Handle Emotional Reactions

Engaging in such interactions can lead to heightened emotions and reactions like resistance and defensiveness.

Here are three strategies to prevent and manage strong emotional reactions:

Slow down the pace of the conversation

Instead of getting ahead of yourself, pause before responding to the other person. This allows both parties to process what is being said and helps prevent tensions from arising. If emotions become overwhelming, suggest taking a break and reconvening later when both parties have had time to cool down.

2. Remove distractions

Refrain from checking texts, answering calls, or responding to emails during the conversation. It may provide a temporary escape from an uncomfortable situation, but it can be interpreted as disrespectful and may further provoke emotional responses from the other party.

3. Empathize

Demonstrate empathy and understanding towards their emotions, even if you don't necessarily agree with their viewpoint. Acknowledge their feelings and convey that you comprehend why they might be feeling upset or frustrated. This acknowledgment communicates your respect for their perspective.

The Role of DEI in Facilitating Challenging Discussions

Diversity and inclusion in the workplace play a pivotal role in influencing how employees approach and navigate difficult conversations. Employees avoid initiating crucial discussions due to concerns about potential consequences and the overall corporate culture that is unsupportive of people speaking up.

That is why focusing on growing your organization’s diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) efforts is necessary to create a healthy work environment that empowers employees to engage in intimidating conversations.

Here are several ways DEI efforts help employees initiate tough talks:

Sense of safety

In an inclusive workplace, employees feel valued, respected, and heard, regardless of their background. When employees believe that their voices are welcomed and their opinions matter, they are more likely to engage in difficult conversations. They feel safer expressing their concerns and opinions because they trust that their contributions will be considered seriously.

Increased trust

Trust is a fundamental basis for successful difficult conversations. When employees have confidence that their colleagues and leaders will act in their best interests and treat them fairly, they are more willing to engage in challenging discussions. Trust makes it easier to discuss sensitive topics without fear of retaliation or unfair treatment.

Learning and growth

With a sense of psychological safety that an inclusive work environment provides, employees are more inclined to engage in learning and personal growth. They are likely to be receptive to receiving feedback and are willing to change their viewpoints when it's necessary. This openness to learning is crucial when dealing with sensitive topics.

Here are 3 steps your organization can follow to create a DEI-focused culture:

Conduct an audit

Collaborate with a DEI consultant to conduct a comprehensive audit of your organization's current DEI status. This benchmark is essential for devising an effective strategy.

Deploy strategies unique to your organization

The consultant may advise you to host DEI training workshops on any of the prevalent issues in your workplace. For example, the initial DEI audit may reveal concerns related to microaggressions and this will necessitate an employee training session focused on mitigating microaggressions.

Monitor and improve

DEI efforts must be ongoing for lasting impact. Continuously monitor KPIs and success metrics to see your progress and make adjustments as needed.

Great Books on Becoming a Better Communicator

Crucial Conversations

In "Crucial Conversations," the authors, Al Switzler, Joseph Grenny, and Ron McMillan, delve into the intricacies of conversations that matter most—those that involve high stakes, strong emotions, and differing opinions.

They provide readers with a framework for navigating such discussions with poise and precision, whether in personal or professional contexts.

Key takeaways from the book include techniques for creating a safe and open space for dialogue, strategies for managing emotions and defusing tension, and approaches to finding common ground and achieving mutual understanding.

Start with Why

"Start with Why" is a thought-provoking book that encourages individuals and organizations to reevaluate the way they approach their goals and missions.

Simon Sinek illustrates his ideas with numerous real-world examples, ranging from Apple to Martin Luther King Jr. to showcase how successful leaders and companies leverage the power of "starting with why" to inspire action and loyalty.

This book is not only a valuable read for business leaders and professionals but also a source of inspiration for anyone seeking a deeper understanding of why certain ideas and movements resonate with people on a profound level.

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

This bestselling book offers a structured method for conducting challenging conversations with reduced stress and increased effectiveness.

The authors perfectly summarize the essence of difficult conversations through this popular passage from the book: “Interpretations and judgments are important to explore. In contrast, the quest to determine who is right and who is wrong is a dead end.”

Applying the Strategies to Your Situation

Avoiding challenging conversations may be a natural inclination, but it won't resolve the underlying issues.

Becoming skilled at these discussions takes practice and courage, yet the benefits include personal growth, professional development, and overall organizational success.

With this guide, you’re ready to apply the strategies we discussed to your situation.

How to Have Difficult Conversations with Employees